Oh. My. Glob. Did you see the new guy? He’s over there, by the 3DS and Wii U? Don’t look! Okay, we’ll do it like this. On the count of three, we’ll all casually look at the same time. Ready? One, two, three. Isn’t he amazing? Do you think Shovel Knight noticed?
What do you mean, he’s weird? You’re weird, Achillea! Shovel Knight’s not the one named after a tendon. He’s this totes incredible, strong, dashing knight. And don’t call his weapon a shovel, because it’s not. Okay? It’s a ShovelBlade.
What’s the difference? I can’t even. You’re lucky you have your driver’s license, Achillea, because otherwise you would be so out of the group. Because he uses a ShovelBlade, and not an ordinary shovel like the one our tacky groundskeeper is always brandishing when we try to have lunch on the lawn, it can hack, slash, dig, and even be used as an impromptu pogo stick. It’s just impressive, kk?
Know what else is great about him? He’s not all commercialized like COD. Dude’s practically a walking billboard for big business. I know he’s your boyfriend, Linaria, but he’s a total tool. He claims he invented Flannel Friday. Shovel Knight is not like that at all. He’s all original, a man of the people, and got all funded on Kickstarter. He’s self made!
Plus, Shovel Knight’s able to be retro-fabulous without being some kind of hipster. You see these other clowns and they’re trying to parrot the style of people who were so much better than them. But not him. It’s like he’s taking inspiration from all of the greats who came before him, but still doing his own thing. Hashtag impressive!
But that isn’t even the best part. Okay, I’m telling you this, but you have to swear to keep it secret. Shovel Knight has the most tragic backstory ever. See, he used to be involved with Shield Knight. You know, Parviflora’s cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s sister. They were like this. They did everything together. But the world and life ripped them apart. They’re practically Romeo and Juliet. He doesn’t even know if she’s still alive, but he’s doing everything possible to find her again.
You know what? I’m going to go talk to him. Just talk! I know he’s got a girlfriend. You know, even if she is disappeared or lost forever or something. I’m just going to see if Shovel Knight wants to play for a while. When I’m done, I think you should try talking to him and adventuring with him too.
Oh, and Achillea? Stop trying to make fetch happen!