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SpoilSport – Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare

SpoilSport – Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare

In the bleak future ruled by corporations and greed, only one man can put on a robot suit and save the world… from Kevin Spacey.

This, is Call of Duty: Holy Sh*t How The Hell Did We Get Kevin Spacey Edition , and as a member of the United States Military trained in torture advanced interrogation techniques, it’s my job to repeat that name until it has no meaning to you.

Kevin Spacey…

Kevin Spacey…

Kevin Spacey…

Welcome to the world of 2053, an advanced world, filled with warfare… advanced warfare you might say, or as Kevin Spacey might say when he brings you on a tour of his private military corporation in chapter three. Slick little name drop guys. Slick.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You are private generic white guy number 375, also known as Mitchell, a man that is so charismatic it was never revealed whether that was his first or last name. Mitchell is best buds with Will Irons, and their first mission together is to intervene between a conflict with North and South Korea. Wow you just dump people right in the deep end, don’t you America?

Everything seems to be going well with your sweet ass robot suits and futuristic laser weapons, until Will gets his arm stuck in a door, causing him to be caught in an explosion. You survive the encounter too, only to have your arm cut off as well. SYMBOLISM!!!

It’s then that you meet the aforementioned Kevin Spacey of Kevin Spacey incorporated, the world’s most affluent Kevin Spacey owned private military corporation, with more advanced technology than any of the world’s militaries. He is a straight, white male capitalist who hails from…. South Africa? Right, because even though he looks American, sounds American, acts American, and for an intents and purposes IS AN AMERICAN, if anyone ever makes America the bad guy in one of these games, the gaming populace will rise up in a riot or something. Woo patriotism!

Kevin Spacey invites you to join Kevin Spacey LTD after he learns of his son’s death. He outfits you with a nifty new robot arm, a bunch of cool guns, and sends you around the world looking for a generic terrorist villain with a bad Russian accent called Hades.

Hades is angry at computers and technology… for some reason. Maybe an iPhone killed his father. Anyway he vents this anger by attacking seemingly random countries. You kill him before the game is half over. Oops.

With his dying breath (through a slit throat, no less… that’s impressive) Hades tells you that “Kevin Spacey knows.” Knows what you ask? Well, you see that’s a good question. In a previous mission you rescued a foreign diplomat who told Kevin Spacey that terrorist attacks were going to be carried out against major world cities. How does Kevin Spacey respond? By shooting him in the back of the head. You’d think this was because he wanted to use those attacks for monetary purpose, but to be fair that’s how Kevin Spacey responds to pretty much everything. You should see how many corpses are on his front lawn after takeout taco night.

You might be asking yourself, “Wait a minute… how did Hades know about this? He and Kevin Spacey never met!” Good question, and one that the game will never address in any way shape or form. Move along. Nothing to see here.

For the rest of the game, you must take Kevin Spacey down, as he descends into his very own brand of Kevin Spacey insanity. He gets the bright idea to become more powerful than all the world’s military, and become the one ruling authority so that no more wars can take place. Then he attacks the U.S. because WOOO! LOOK AT US! AMERICA ISN’T THE BAD GUY! AMERICA IS THE VICTIM! AMERICA SAVES THE DAY AGAIN! AMERICAAAAAAAAA F*CK YEAH!!!

SpoilSport – Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare

He develops a magic genetic super weapon which kills everyone other than the specific genes of soldiers in the Kevin Spacey military. Unfortunately, he was too lazy to take your names on the list, so you and your band of rag tag soldier elites are immune. You decide to storm his evil laboratory/prison camp and you fail horribly! What, did you think that a small group of soldiers could overcome the world’s most powerful military operation?

So Kevin Spacey kills some of your friends, destroys your robot arm, and leaves you with nothing but a pistol and a drive to survive. Ok, NOW you can take down the world’s most powerful military operation.

After you manage to escape from the death lab, you embark on one of the most heart wrenching missions you have ever had to go on. You slowly confront your once mentor, Kevin Spacey in his office, and stare him down. You ask him why he did this. You plead for him to call everything off. You… BAHAHAHHAHA no, no I’m just kidding. You jack into some giant robot suits of armor and blow up the damn place! Rockets! Chain guns! Mortars! PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW!!!

Then you throw Kevin Spacey off an exploding building by cutting off your own robot arm. EVEN MORE SYMBOLISM!

The day is saved… I guess? I mean, surely Kevin Spacey had a vice president or something to oversee his military when he was gone. Not to mention he still has the genetic super weapon that can sorta just be launched wherever he wants, even though you stopped the original launch. He also still has millions of troops and the best technology the world has to offer, and he is in control of all the world’s transport and supply lines. So even if he is dead, hasn’t his corporation already won? So… like… did anyone actually manage to save the world at all?

Eh, who cares? You aren’t going to play this story anyway. All you care about is jetpacks in multiplayer. Jetpacks and laser guns. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE!

Kevin Spacey…

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