Look – I’m just as excited as the next retro gaming dork about Super Bomberman R. It’s a dream come true; it really is. After all this time, a back to the roots, multiplayer, arcade action-style Bomberman is not only coming to consoles, but it’s in the form of a retail release. It’s even launching alongside the Nintendo Switch! It’s like the negative energy from Konami’s Metal Gear Solid problems caused a tear in time in space long enough for the adorable, classic mascot Bomberman to slip through. Alas, Konami is still Konami. We all know at this point that Konami gotta Konami, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Remember Bomberman: Act Zero? Remember how that game only exists in our mindshare because it continues to inhabit “worst decisions ever” lists? Well, Konami wasn’t satisfied and is simultaneously bringing classic Bomberman back and reaching new heights in burying the IP in the deepest, sloppiest mud. Meet Bombergirl. Bombergirl is the latest and greatest in taking something wholesome and pure, and then drawing boobs on it, all over it, wherever available space could be found. Someone at Konami saw the great success that comes from pandering to the otaku crowd with the latest Fire Emblem titles and thought to themselves, “What if we could make these kids want to f@$% Bomberman?” Bombergirl.
Don’t get me wrong, diversity is good and great. If Konami wants to make a cool lady version of Bomberman, I am down for days. Heck, Konami did it before in previous games. It was fine, despite the “oh, the girl version needs pink hearts and giant eyelashes” stuff. But like, this is cheesecake on a whole other level of cheese, cake, and everything in-between. I feel bad about everyone affected just from looking at the promotional art. Bomberman, er, Bombergirl is a sexy schoolgirl laden with Bomberman-themed accessories. But I guess she also has Bomberman powers, since she literally has a bomb fuse protruding from her butt. How does it work? Who knows. I don’t want to, neither do you, and neither does anyone else… right?
The worst part is, Bombergirl is the first arcade game in like, 20 years. This is the best we have to represent Bomberman’s legacy in the oldest school of old-school realms. Bombergirl and her waifu pals, in a game that is ostensibly just classic, multiplayer Bomberman action. Except whenever your Bombergirl gets caught in a cartoon ordinance detonation, her clothes burn off. As this whole thing has just been announced, we have no idea how far down this rabbit hole even goes. Konami Amusement, indeed.
For the morbidly curious and/or Japanese fluent, 4Gamer has some details, key art and a brief video of Bombergirl running on the show floor at JAEPO 2017. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go watch some footage of Super Bomberman R and pretend everything is okay. I would take solace in knowing Bombergirl’s chances of making it stateside are slim, but in a world in which Senran Kagura and Gal Gun (Google them or don’t, readers, the choice is yours) sit comfortably on store shelves, well, times are tough. Bombergirl, everyone. Welcome to 2017.