The Internet hive mind has been literally abuzz lately about Conan Exiles. No, it’s not necessarily because they love the Conan the Barbarian universe. It’s not because they’re exited about another massively open-world, survival, sandbox game. It’s because of, wait for it, the dong slider.
Hey, I’m all for equality, just like Funcom clearly is. You know, what with the ability to change male character’s endowment right alongside the option to make giant flouncing breasts for women. The developer said as much in a recent Reddit AMA session, “We discussed nudity early on and decided that for the lore and setting, nudity was something we wanted to go with. The slider was a natural evolution of that, especially seeing we had a similar slider for breasts. Equality and all that.”
Let’s talk about why the penis slider is what people’s minds have immediately gone to. When I first heard about Conan Exiles, it was through a fellow game industry friend who was checking it out to potentially review. He said, and this is a direct quote, “There’s a dong slider in Conan Exiles!” Admittedly, when I heard that my interest was piqued. I knew next to nothing else about the game, but still wanted to see what was going on because of the character creator. And I’m clearly not the only one. Conan Exiles has sold around 320,000 copies in the first week of Early Access alone. That’s a lot of dongs.
Conan Exiles is being referred to as ARK: Survival Evolved in the Conan universe. With the relative success of ARK and the popularity of the Conan the Barbarian, this should be a match made in sandbox heaven. Seeing as how the game is currently in Early Access, it’s way too soon to say whether it will live up to expectations. At the moment, it’s really just your average, open-world survival game. Sure, there’s an intriguing slavery/thrall system that allows you to better survive with less micromanaging. But hardly anyone is talking about that. Instead, we’re letting our inner twelve-year-old run rampant; we’re moving that slider all the way to the right. Let your giant dong fly free in the wind!
It’s made me wonder. If Conan Exiles is getting so much attention from a fairly simple part of the character creation options, what if other games had a dong slider? I mean, maybe Steep would be a thousand times better with a pants-less option. Ever wondered what a big penis would look like flopping around as you go thrashing down the side of a mountain? Maybe Mario Kart could have built on its already immense popularity by providing some “Truck Nutz™” for the back of your vehicles. The gaming community has been adding dicks on things for years. While they say it’s for the sake of authenticity in the Conan universe, maybe Funcom put adjustable penis sizes into Conan Exiles just to beat the modding community to the punch.
Of course that’s not saying much. Conan Exiles mod tools were released recently, and players are already maximizing the sizable possibilities, if you catch my drift. Too subtle? The “naturally” giant dongs can be even bigger now. It’s the perfect opportunity to test the age old question of, “Does size matter?” In Conan Exiles, it certainly seems to be the case.