I've said it time and time again, the Internet is a wide, wonderful, wacky, and altogether hilarious place. Some of you will probably be able to remember when Super Mario Odyssey's first beach sequence was revealed in a trailer. The entirety of the Internet went wild over Mario's nipples being visible. (It was otherwise fondly known as “Nipple-Gate.”) Something similar is happening now to the famous plumber's brother, Luigi. A piece of artwork was released for Mario Tennis Aces that depicts Luigi as the unfortunate victim of a broken racket. You'd think it'd be a fun little sneak peek at what to expect from a sweet new Mario game. But instead, things have taken an usual turn.
One Tumblr user took a closer look at the artwork, admiring the detail that Nintendo had put into it. You can see the stitching in Luigi's fine tennis clothes, the folded over texture of his elastic waistband, and the curvature of his shorts. Most specifically, the bulge in the front. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw the inevitable Tumblr conversation. The reader who was enjoying the artwork said they were very happy about Luigi in Mario Tennis Aces. The following comment read, “does Luigi have a big d*ck I can't tell.” To which someone masterfully responded with, “that's the beauty part.” But then comes the moment that almost always ends up happening on Tumblr. Someone took it to a new level of weird.
One comment took a literal and mathematical approach to attempting to discern the size of Luigi's “package.” They even went so far as to point out that the size they discovered does not account for any sort of “happiness” (if you know what I mean). As if the attempt at sizing a fictional (and usually family-friendly) character's member wasn't silly enough, the math-minded comment ended with, “what we do know, however, is that Luigi has a d*ck. And that? That's great.” I think it's pretty great too, mysterious stranger on the Internet.
I would imagine it isn't much of a stretch to say most of us have never wondered how large a cartoon character's anatomy is. But hey, whatever floats your boat right? It just got me thinking. Maybe Tumblr has got the right mindset. Have the rest of us perhaps fallen prey to laziness? Why haven't the rest of us been asking the hard questions? (Pun fully intended, by the way.) There's no way there aren't countless other images of video game bulges out there. Why aren't we trying to figure out the size of all those? Let's figure out how much Nathan Drake has going on downstairs.
On the feminine side of the board, these types of calculations could get even more complex. Just how big are those triangular bewbs of Lara Croft's in the first Tomb Raider? Now there's a question for the ages. How absolutely gargantuan would Sorceress' jugs from Dragon's Crown be in reality? I am admittedly atrocious with math, so I am unfortunately not the person to answer these questions. But Tumblr has made it well and truly obvious that they're already up to the task. Maybe we could even bring Reddit in on the project!
No matter what we do with this information, I have to default to the mysterious Reddit comment. We all are now aware that Luigi is not, in fact, just happy to see us. What you do with that information is entirely up to you, but it's an interesting little tidbit to hold on to. Might come in handy during those late night parties with friends where “most unique trivia knowledge” wins the day. You'll be able to say with certainty that Luigi has around 3.7 inches to party with.