I Can't Possibly Be This Bad at NES Remix
NES Remix

Okay, let's do this. I bought me some NES Remix. I'm ready to go on a nostalgia trip. I need that WarioWare experience, and I'm going to bring all my skills and expertise to the table. Let's go. I'm just going to start this up, and head right into some of The Legend of Zelda challenges.

Wait. Where's The Legend of Zelda? I don't see it in the main menu. I know The Legend of Zelda is supposed to be one of the 16 classic games in NES Remix, so why can't I see it?

Oh, I see. Unlocking is a big part of this, huh? Well, pardon my language, but that's a bit of a dick move, Nintendo. Fine, be that way. I'll just go and play Ice Climbers or Clu Clu Land instead. Those are my jams too.

Except, now that I look at it, I see I can't play either of those immediately. Our relationship is not starting out on a good foot, NES Remix. You're pushing some buttons. I can understand locking me out of the Remix challenges right away. That's fine. I want to earn those, and appreciate them as the sweet rewards they are, but you shouldn't tease me with these other games. You're my Nelson right now, NES Remix, saying 16 games are available but - ha ha, I can only play challenges from six of them right away.

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But that's okay, I'll make do. I was a master of Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr., back in the day. Let's not go into exactly how many years ago that was, nobody needs to know that. They just need to know at one, undetermined point in time, perhaps shortly after the NES was released, I was breezing through both on the original system without any artificial aid from a Game Genie.

That killed about twenty minutes. See, NES Remix? I told you I was good at Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. I'm the queen of those games, and no one should ever doubt my abilities. Except, now I'm at a bit of a loss. I haven't unlocked anything else yet, so I have to choose from Balloon Fight, Excite Bike, Mario Bros., and Super Mario Bros. to keep going. I suppose I'll go back to the original Mario Bros., but it has been a while. I actually never played it alone. It was more of a multiplayer affair, where I'd constantly torment my cousin because I knew how to play and he didn't.

Wait. What just happened? How did that turtle kill me? You cheated, NES Remix! I jumped at what probably, had to be, could have been the right moment. Mario should have made it onto that next platform. So why did he jump onto the enemy I was trying to avoid?

And why does he skid to a stop? That is totally unfair. I stopped running, so Mario shouldn't be slipping and sliding like the platform is made of ice. There are no wandering icicles here. When I stop, he should stop. And he should leap when I tell him to, too.

I'm done with this. Let's go to Balloon Fight. I never actually played Balloon Fight as a kid, but I did play tons of Balloon Kid on my Game Boy. It's practically the same thing.

NES Remix

Okay, an important lesson was just learned. Balloon Kid prowess does not equal Balloon Fight prowess. Also, Super Mario Bros.' controls are more finicky than I remember. Not to mention, I somehow forgot how to play Excite Bike in the time between the release of 3D Classics: Excite Bike and NES Remix.

I swear, there was a point in my life when I was good at these games. I knew what I was doing. I spent hours in front of my NES. So why are these games besting me now? Why won't NES Remix, just let me win? I swear, there were probably about 20 times when I did stop those icicles from freezing platforms way back in the original Mario Bros. on my NES. Take my word for it, and let me advance to the next challenge in the NES Remix version of Mario Bros. so I can get some stars and unlock some new remix levels and games!

No, it won't be that easy, will it. You want me to build "character," right? Fine. We'll do it your way. We both have our flaws, NES Remix, but you'll see. I'm going to prove to you that I've still got it. I was queen of the NES then, and I shall reign again!

Jenni Lada
Jenni Lada
@JMariye

Contributing Writer
Date: 01/06/2014

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