“Good morning to you, denizens of the internet. I’m Carol Anne Waters and I’m here to warn you about what could possibly be the most idiotic thing you’ll encounter this morning. Warner Bros. Pictures, the people responsible for the oncoming train wreck that is Blended has decided ruining unsuspecting movie-goers’ cinematic experiences isn’t a painful enough torment to inflict on the world. The studio has gone a step further and created four Blended browser games as well.”
“The Blended browser games in question are Blended Ostrich Ride , Blended Ostrich Run , Blended Parasailing Game , and B lended Safari Adventure . All four are free to play in an attempt to lure people into paying good money to see this tripe.”
“We have our investigative reporter here, Eddie Bob Michaels, who’s live on the scene. Eddie, I hear you have a web browser in and you’re ready to play the Blended games?”
“That’s right, Carol Anne. May God have mercy on my soul.”
“Which one are you thinking of starting with, Eddie?”
“Does it really matter?”
“No, I suppose not.”
“Exactly. So, one of the games is Blended Ostrich Ride . It’s quite possibly the laziest browser-based game I have ever played. A player must move the mouse left and right to keep Adam Sandler on an ostrich, and occasionally click the left mouse button to jump over a diminuative rhino that runs across the screen.”
“Now, Eddie, shouldn’t a rhino be bigger than on ostrich?”
“You’d think that, but this is apparently a pygmy rhino. You lose if the ostrich hits the rhino. The game claims Adam Sandler can fall off the ostrich if he loses his balance, but I was trying to knock him off and that sucker just wouldn’t drop.”
“I think we all know what that’s like!”
“I hate you Carol Anne. From there, I moved on to Blended Ostrich Run . And before you ask, no. I don’t know why there are two ostrich races. This one has Adam Sandler racing on an ostrich in a pen against some other guy. You’re supposed to beat him, and must click the jump button to avoid obstacles like hay bales, water troughs, and lions.” “Lions? In a pen with ostriches and people? That seems a little kooky! Now, can you make the lions eat Adam Sandler?” “Unfortunately, no. The ostriches just trip over them, even if the lion is awake. Believe me, I tried.” “Well, that’s a bit morbid, Eddie.”
“Do you want to play these games, Carol Anne?”
“…. So how about that Blended Parasailing Game ?”
“The Blended Parasailing Game is yet another atrocity where you can’t end your suffering my making the character die. Drew Barrymore is involved in a parasailing accident, and it’s your goal to help her glide safely to the ground, while avoiding birds and a rhino running across the bottom of the screen. I have to admit though, that this game affords some satisfaction to anyone forced to endure it, as it’s quite amusing to watch the birds smack into Barrymore and send her spinning.”
“You’re not even trying anymore.”
“These games broke me, okay? They broke me. Like Blended Safari Adventure ? It isn’t even a real safari! It’s Sandler riding on a small ATV, collecting coins as he rides past some animals. Then, it’s Barrymore in the parasailing harness again as she flies into monkeys, elephants, and birds while collecting hearts. What, am I supposed to come up with some critical analysis bunk about how it’s secretly a critique on what men and women place more importance on in life? That Sandler’s hoarding of coins and Barrymore’s chasing after hearts implies men place more emphasis on material success, while women seek out emotional fulfillment?”
“… I think we’ve spent a little too much time with these mini-games. Can you compose yourself to share any final thoughts, Eddie?”
“This ****ing **** makes Flappy Bird look good.”
“I’m sorry, I think the censors caught you there. We get the idea though, and thank you for going through this so our viewers don’t have to.”
“I’m getting too old for this.”
“I’m Carol Anne Waters, and thank you for tuning in to ‘Why Did They Make This?, the Blended browser game edition.'”