I've talked at length, pun fully intended, about Conan Exiles' dong slider before in our Daily Dispatches, but some recent news has brought it back into mind. As PC Gamer reported, Funcom's Creative Director, Joe Bylos, still has dicks on the mind. Bylos was talking in particular about the potential inclusion of hitboxes for dongs in the game. Rust is another Early Access survival game that includes this option, so it's not that out of the realm of possibility to say that Conan Exiles should include it too. According to Bylos, that's not possible at this very moment. As he says, “The dicks are cloth-physics objects right now, so they don't have hitboxes. But we have individual hitboxes we can set up, we just haven't done it.”
Two thing about that. Cloth-physics objects? It all makes sense now. I thought the fluttering in the wind genitalia was a little off-putting, but if they're meant to move like a piece of clothing, that's reasonable. Secondly, they could add individual hitboxes to dicks. In reality, I'm too empathetic to ever even consider nut tapping someone, let alone actually hitting them in the dong. I don't know what that feels like, nor will I ever, but I do not want to be the cause of that level of pain regardless. But hey, these are video games right? Those pixels aren't gonna know what hit 'em.
Nut shots are a time honored tradition in many video games. I mean, Combat Arms would even pop up the words, “Nut Shot,” when you hit someone in the gonads. Who's to say that Conan Exiles can't include a similar mechanic? And to be quick frank, even Bylos said, “Lots of people ask me about the dicks,” when speaking of Conan Exiles. The game's notoriety is based on penises already, so why not just go whole hog with it, right?
There's another thing that Bylos mentioned to PC Gamer that's worth talking about for a bit. Brace yourself, as it is related to the ability to potentially cut off other characters' penises. Ready? Bylos said, “People went wild because I said in one of the Reddit AMAs something about castration. But the idea for the castration is actually more... when you've killed somebody, you can click the body and you can say 'harvest trophy' and you might get an ear or a dick or a foot or a hand. Like, it's not necessarily going to always be... and it won't be a dick if it's a female anyway, right? It's more like a harvest trophy system. I do want to allow people to build a necklace of dicks they can wear. Why not? It's fun.” Giving someone a loving tap in the nuts seems tame in comparison now, doesn't it?
Conan Exiles' Creative Director said, “I feel like I'm gonna be the dick guy forever now.” It's slightly absurd that a game that is otherwise expansive, interesting, and continually growing is using dongs as a big draw. But you know what? When you've got a gimmick that works, there's no reason not to flaunt it. While Conan Exiles players already have their dicks out, should we be able to harvest them? Or could we at least be able to whack the thing around for a while?
I'll leave you with this thought. If Funcom includes a penis hitbox, will there also be a vagina or boob hitbox? This is a slippery slope we're on here folks, once you pop you can't stop, so where will the madness end?